Queen Elisabeth the second had, in her service, speech writers.
Yet my speech tonight is written by her.

In public, as a monarch, she presented a polished demeanour.
Yet in private, she’s said to have quite the sense of humour.

So, in tribute to the death of the Queen last year.
I’ll present her best one-liners and quick wit for you to hear.

These lines are in rhyme as usual, But, wouldn’t you know it;
The Queen was not the poet.

During an argument with Queen Mum: “Who do you think you are?” said the mother queen;
To which Elisabeth replied: “The queen, mummy, the queen.”

When visiting New Zealand in ’86, protestors threw eggs at her. But her response was fast;
“New Zealand has long been renowned for its dairy produce, though I should say that I myself prefer my New Zealand eggs for breakfast.”

When Princess Michael of Kent said someone should shoot the Queen’s beloved corgis,
Elizabeth reportedly said, “They’re better behaved than she is!”

Why she wears bright colours during royal appearances, explains madam:
“If I wore beige, nobody would know who I am.”

Still she went undetected. In Scotland, a passer-by commented while she was out walking
that she “looked just like the Queen.” She responded with “How reassuring.”

Once in Balmoral, some American tourists asked, “Have you ever met the queen?” as they didn’t recognize her.
“No,” she responded, “but he has.” and pointed at her escorting protection officer.

Likewise, while driving up to the Royal Windsor Horse Show, a guard said, “Sorry, love, you can’t come in without a sticker,”
“I think if you check, I will be allowed to come in!” the Queen replied with a snicker.

But any time Elizabeth was encouraged to hide behind more layers of security, she quips slightly peeved,
“I have to be seen to be believed.”

When an escort commander was blocking the crowd's view of the royal carriage, said she,
“Actually, Captain, I think it’s me they’ve come to see.”

The Queen commented on how hard it is to wear the heavy crown; it’s such a headache,
“You can’t look down to read the speech, If you did, your neck would break.”

At the Chelsea Flower Show, when told by a gardener how lilies of the valley have poisonous traits, she said,
“I’ve been given two bunches this week. Perhaps they want me dead.”

The Queen had to remember many things. To do so, she said for the protocol,
“Some things stay there, some things go out of the other ear, and some things don’t go in at all.”

When asked why she carried her purse around inside Buckingham Palace, she replied it was so,
because “This house is very big, you know.”

Once when a commoner’s cell phone went off at a Buckingham Palace garden party, she said something relevant,
“You should answer it. It might be someone important.”

Yes, she makes us laugh, but it was hard work for her too. I quote her with this one:
“I simply ache from smiling. Why are women expected to beam all the time? It’s unfair. If a man looks solemn, it’s automatically assumed he’s a serious person, not a miserable one.”

Serious too is one of her most famous quotes we can think of:
“Grief is the price we pay for love.”

But to close on an optimistic note, at her 80th birthday, she quoted Groucho Marx to make us laugh:
“Anyone can get old — all you have to do is to live long enough.”

So, gentlemen, raise your glasses! Here’s to the Ladies and in particular Queen Elisabeth;
They make us smile – their humour is the best!

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