Toast to the Lassies

“Self-Optimisation” by Alan Benson

Ladies, have you heard of the latest trend that’s sweeping the nation?
Better don’t miss it, get on board with self-optimisation!

All us men know you ladies are always perfect;
But still you must get better and improve your effect.

So you think you’re not good enough?
Make yourself beautiful as well as tough.

Self-optimisation;
The latest sensation.

Your self-worth is low, so what can you do here?
Compensate with a perfect body, money and successful career.

Just because the world is going bad,
You must make yourself better; that is sad.

You learned to get the attention of your mother;
Now you crave the attention of all the others.

Self-optimisation;
The mad sensation.

The media exploits this trend in women’s and lifestyle magazines;
The following headlines and articles can be seen:

Improve your work-life balance;
Be Happy – The Power of Confidence.

Recipes for a long life / Desire for a new life;
I want a different life / I have changed my life.

Self-optimisation;
The lucrative sensation.

Did you know there are 22 psycho-tricks;
For successful career women to get their kicks?

I can do it – That’s how you reach your goals;
Fight your way to the top, you are told.

Ideal beauty, happiness and money cannot be reached?
Who can help? God or friends or wine? No, a coach!

Self-optimisation;
The crazy sensation.

Get professional help to improve, of course;
Do a wellness workout or take a power yoga course.

No, this striving for the utmost best is a dehumanisation;
You have to optimise your self-optimisation!

Take it easy, get balanced and bring it down a notch;
That may improve your life very much.

Self-optimisation;
A silly sensation.

Your girl won’t eat, baby’s diaper’s full, and the boy’s got an ouch.
What do you do first? Get your husband off the couch!

Having trouble making up your mind?
Apply make-up to your forehead; I know that one’s unkind.

Even Meghan did everything right, good for her.
Got herself a prince and turned him into a commoner.

Self-optimisation;
A funny sensation.

To ward off molesting a woman says, “No means No!”
But an assertive woman does not take no for an answer, though.

It’s good for couples to go out for a dinner date;
He goes out on Fridays; she goes on Saturday.

To bring more shine to your eyes;
Just point a flashlight in your ears.

Self-optimisation;
A dancing sensation.

My recommendation to you ladies, I would like to say;
Is Scottish Dancing with reels, jigs and strathspey.

You’ll tone your body and improve your graces.
Become more social with pretty faces.

Don’t forget to point your toes;
Press out your chest and hold up your nose.

Self-optimisation;
Let’s end this sensation.

So, let’s just have fun and simply dance;
Leave the fine points to a workshop class.

Do grand chains and reels of three;
Circle left and right and you’re happy.

Let’s dos-y-dos, dance down the middle and up;
A right hand wheel and never give up.

So, gentlemen, raise your glasses! Here’s to the Ladies;
They may not be optimised, but they are as perfect as can be.

Simply close this window to return to the Burns Night page.
Einfach dieses Fenster schließen, um zur Bilderseite zurückzukehren.