Toast to the Lassies

“Women’s Day in Berlin” by Alan Benson

Last week, Berlin’s ruling parties established a new holiday;
From this year on, March 8th would be celebrated as Women’s Day.

Originally plans where that only women and girls would have off. That would be cool;
The men still had to go to work and boys would go to school.

A survey showed that that would be a poor decision;
The progressive parties would be wiped out in the next election.

But what if we really did have this gender division?
It would be interesting. I’ll share with you my vision.

First of all, the fair sex would sleep in some more;
As the men and boys rush out the door.

Factories would operate but open stores would be cut in half.
They’d consolidate their personnel, cause they’d be missing their female staff.

In schools the situation would be just as terrible;
With a handful of male teachers there the boys would just play football.

At home meanwhile, mother thought she could sleep in;
Yet her young lassie draws her out of bed crying, “You promised we’d go shopping!”

Better luck for all the single damsels;
Who could enjoy their beds for themselves.

The stores advertise Women’s Day sales.
But we’ll experience chaos in the aisles.

With no attentive, experienced female sales staff there;
Salesmen will help out who usually sell tools ‘n’ hardware.

A grumpy clerk guesses a lassie’s size as XL;
Her mother tells him then to go to hell.

So what’s a woman to do?
Go and buy new shoes.

Best female friends would while away the day;
Meeting up in cafés to share lattés.

With only the handsome waiters on duty;
They enjoy the attention and get extra flirty.

The parks will be a fashion show: only pretty dresses as far as the eye can reach;
Ladies would be walking with their lassies (Lassies) on their hand or the leash.

Of course speeches will be given on that date;
Our Lord Mayor will hold one at Brandenburg Gate.

Michael Müller will be flanked by female Senator graces.
As their male colleagues will be stuck in their offices.

Mention will be made that for 100 years women have had the right to vote;
But that didn’t keep them from electing dictators or some other idiot.

And for the future there is hope that one day;
Men and women will have the right for equal pay.

So maybe I’ll experience in my life;
That I earn as much as my wife.

Seriously though, we’ll only have true equality;
When it’s not enforced but comes naturally.

There is one thing though that must always remain the same;
And this I say resolutely and without shame.

Even Robert Burns in his grave underground;
Would otherwise be spinning round and round.

The “Toast to the Lassies” must, I cry:
Always come before the “Lassie’s Reply”!

Gentlemen! Raise your glasses, please! Here’s to the Lassies:
– That they may forever have the last word!
– To the Lassies!
– Cheers!

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